Final Letter

So I don’t know how to do this. What do I mean when I say “this”. This is talking about me , opening up letting my friends and peers in on what exactly goes on in my life. Every attempt to be genuine and superbly honest just ends with a “zvakaoma” , “we move”. Well one of the reasons I don’t say much or lend a listening ear as much as I do is because if I say it out loud then it becomes true. Then all those things I feel aren’t just in my head, all that pain becomes real. So let me try a bit of story telling.

There is a boy I have seen all my life, but everytime I talk to him or spend time with him I realize how much I dont know about him. When there is chaos around , like world is literally burning type of vibe he doesnt flinch. He is calm and collected. Spiders , snakes , lions, the darkness dont scare him at all. But when that thought pops up he suddenly cant breathe. When they talk for a week continuously and suddenly stop , his stomach swells, his hands shake, he has to sit down and take a scarf break. Why are they leaving him he wonders. But he knows the truth. Truth is they have reached their quota of putting up with him. Everyone eventually leaves except for me the story teller of course. I mean boy and I have been together for as long as we have been alive. What does it mean to be alive anyway? I understand him in a way that no one else does. We simply cant exist without the other. But maybe we can. Maybe in a perfect world there wouldn’t be a need for a me to a him and a him to a me. But this is a story about us.

Do you ever sit down and wonder why you are the way you are? Why you act they way you do? Why you cant receive love but every part of you wants to be loved so badly you would compulsively spew out meaningless words in a desperate attempt to draw others closer, you can’t stop doing so even as you see them grimace , endure and finally pull away after a week of meaningless hi’s on social media? Ultimately widening the chasm between yourself and the rest of the world? I hope its not just us.

We are constantly disclosing sad and difficult things about us in order to feel closer to others. Its sad but we feel that if no one saw our pain or knew it existed then it meant it wasn’t real. If we couldn’t have love, we would take pity instead. I resent this aspect of us, this desire to whore out the most vulnerable parts of ourselves for measly scraps of attention and acknowledgement. But thats our reality. To suffer from something thats only real in the movies. To feel your life threatened by every breathe you take. To know that you are a danger to your self and your family, to hate hope. To say thank you for every smile you make because you know that it can easily be gone. I wish we could take our smiles for granted even for an hour.

If I had cancer or broken limbs you would send me flowers everyday. You would send texts everyday checking in , sending love, sending food. But why don’t you do the same for my broken brain. Why is it that when we talk about my mental health then its just something that happens. You say you understand it, you say that #mentalhealthmatters with a clenched fist. But I am drowning! Why are you always typing but not here. Why do you post fliers and posters but ignore my cries for help?

We may never have the answers but suicide thoughts are a better friend to me than y’all. They are consistent and always present. This thing only works if we work together, my heart breaks because I have accepted that one day I will yield to the desire to not be here. One day I will be tired and that boy I was telling you about will slip from my arms. It wont matter because he will be gone forever, we will cry and say great things about him for a few days then forget him until another brother dies.

Living with mental health disorders feels worse than this. Its pain everyday for no reason. you feel empty and alone all the time. You try fill the void but its bottomless and its coming for you. Ours is often always very near. For the day when it swallows us whole here is a fitting eulogy…


A happy man he was!
He would choke on a hybrid of maryjane he termed the “flight” , wear supposedly gucci shorts and a hoody in socks. Play georgia on my mind by Ray Charles. He danced alone because he could have fun without his people. He danced alone , waiting for death, hoping to stay for longer. Longer than his brother, than his mother, his uncle, his friend. Open to new experiences was his mantra. He wanted more, he wanted more from life, more joy , more love, more sex, more money. He wanted to be a walking infinity , he wanted to feel what others only felt peharps once in their lifetimes everyday. But also he was running away from himself. Because he didnt like to see himself win , he sabotaged everything. I think I said a bit too much right over here. Daisy would say #oversharing #mybad but bloody hell I trust you that much. BITCH ! Its a eulogy anyway.

This boy felt so much, too much and often doesnt know what to do with them feels . So they would spill over into many other things. I mean how do you not see the brilliance in Nina Simone . Like how could you not! Anyway I have been doing a lot of writing. A lot of living , a lot of trying to stay alive but not sucking at it. It is exhausting to love , to care. I am beginning to think that C A R I N G is my SUPERPOWER . It hurts because I care , I care too much. My problem is that when I met you I wanted to love you so badly I ended up thinking about you and your safety. Only that back then I only knew your name. What am I saying? What am I doing? My brain wonders when confronted by pain, guilt and death.

I am pouring my heart out to you well at least some of it. Another problem is that all that was in this boy was the malicious intent to love you. So Im basically telling you that he cared deeply for you. Him and I would really love to see you prosper. To see you win because when you win we win too. Too bad too bad…When I worry about you I smile because I know that its true love. The only thing I can trully write about is love. You.

This growing man was alone, in his head crafting sweet things to say to the people he loved. Because they were not here, they were not there, they were only almost there. “I have always had none of you, not some just none” he always said. Love on the brain plays as I lose my mind.

I fly high like a kite, want to do it everyday.Want to float to nothingness. Want to be free. To see if I still truly bleed. To see If whatever is in my veins is really red? I mean what if its all lies like how crude oil is the synovial fluid of tectonic plates but we keep taking and using it, killing the earth from the inside. Humanity’s biggest flawed assumption is that the earth and everything innit was made for them. Yes somebody out there thinks that. Shout out to all flat-earthers out there. You know the secrets of the universe.
To the girl I have a crush on. Girl why you do me like that? Why are you existing at the same time with me. I like you too much, I let my guard down don’t pull the rug cause if you do I swear I will never love again and then I will always have to remember us this way. Hello , from this side , when you have time tell yourself that I said I adored you!!!!.

By this time you have realised that this writer is crazy . There is nothing just nothing but wonderful bits of him that you only deserve to go through. Diamonds not in Sierra Leone but etched in the inner most chambers of his /your heart. You have also realized that this is a small part of a huge wall that has been torn down. Congrats and thank you. Too bad you are only reading this because I am no longer here. Think about what could have been, be sad. You let me down. You let them win. Now go on and be a better human. You couldnt save us but there is always time.

DO BETTER!

To my unrequited lover….you will always be my secret.

To myself

You did better than most, in the after life be proud. If these troubles follow you there, remember you can always do it again.

To my friends

Thank you for keeping up with me

To Jesus

thank you for loving me so perfectly, thank you for everything

To my family , thank you.
To the stars, you will always be beautiful.
To the earth , haha , hello old friend I have finally become you.
I am he, the boy is me, we are us.
Let my epitaph be empty with no pretentious words, just like I lived.

By Tonderai Chinyani