Deciduous & Clown

I haven’t held my pen for far too long I fear I’ve lost my steady hand. No harm, no foul, I don’t intend to be poetic anyway. I wanted to throw in a myriad of metaphors and irony that would throw you so far off guard you wouldn’t be able to see my point. But not today. That said, if at any point you think I am writing about you, I promise you, I am.

The world is constantly on its feet these days, all nerves and haste. It sways and palpitates, rocking back and forth, swinging in frantic motion from pole to pole. God, nothing about this is linear. I must be trapped in a flat earthers worst nightmare. I have been struggling to find my balance after eliminating all my states of inertia. No one tells you that the ends of the self-sabotage string are the rest of the sabotage family waiting to beat the measly level you fought your whole being to achieve. I am constantly dizzy, sick to my stomach from all the overthinking. I have gone through hell and back trying to understand you. I even built you a whole defense case. That’s how much I was rooting for you.

I wonder how many lives you think I have for you to play such risky games with my feelings. How strong did they tell you I was? Maybe they said I don’t bleed, that this thing that beats loudly inside of me is an empty vessel. Every day feels like Cupid is violently reaping every one of his arrows out of my heart  just to give back to you. How dare you make me feel this way? I hate you for making me feel helpless – even more because I know I don’t have the strength to leave you. That’s why I keep blocking and unblocking you, a desperate alibi of a returning clown.

I know you will send emails, text, make me feel like I’m in a rom-com.                                            

You will beg and beg                                                                                                                                             

On your knees until I pick you up just so we can plummet to the same old pit 

Cause I just want it to stop

Do you just call anyone ‘love’ then?

Is there anything we had that was sacred?

Having your heart broken by a secret love feels much like trying to scream without a voice.

You scream and scream but no one hears you.  That’s how it feels today, like I’m freefalling into a dark unending pit, where I keep losing an already lost voice. I keep shouting safe words from a  washed out, retired uvula.

Something keeps spinning me dizzy

Shaking me senseless, making death look easy

Pinning me to the walls, gnawing and tearing my skin out

Torturing me as if to check if I am really human

If this is CAPTCHA, I swear I’m really not a robot.

Just look how much you have taken from me

Look how rich a scarlet I bleed

Look how slowly I heal

Look how deeply I feel

Look dammit!

Autumn is my favorite you know. I took a walk in the park today and let me tell you, nature is always overdressed. It was beautiful.  I love how the leaves take shifts to transition but fall randomly anyway. This way you can find a miscellany of colors on the ground as well as in the trees. I was so fascinated by this that I almost took out my phone to tell you about it.

I wanted to tell you that I may have been late to transition but we fell right on time, in our rightful colors.

That I wouldn’t trade anything for how it had felt- falling with you, like I wasn’t late for anything.

Like I was right on time.

I wanted to tell you I took a walk in your shoes today and could barely walk a mile in them. I don’t know how you made it to three years.

So, I’m taking them off to run barefoot to your arms,

To love you again, to have you love me again,

Like nothing ever happened.